Porn Kills Love, and Love Kills Porn.
Two things I strongly believe in. I’ve never fallen into the stronghold of addiction with pornography, but that doesn’t mean it hasn’t affected my life. I’ve posted vaguely about how it has affected close family and friends and how pornography cannot give you that happy ending. But today, I wanted to get a little more personal.
Again, I’ve never gone seeking pornography, but if we were really honest with ourselves there are pieces of it in everyday media. It’s really not that hard to find something that portrays relationships and sex casually. For me, a lot of that was pop music in high school and college. I’ll listen to throwbacks and be amazed at the fact that some songs were played on the radio for all to hear. Or I’ll look back at movies I would watch where there is always the one night stand that magically turns into the happy ending. These subtle messages had to have played a role in how I viewed dating and relationships.
So there I was going off to college. These messages of how relationships can and could be, following along with me. If I could pick one word to describe my college dating life it would be, casual. It didn’t happen all at once, but baby steps. Like most things, we come to regret in life. Friends laugh at how many guys I “dated” while in college. For me, it’s more like a cringe.
I rarely saw it as a personal way to connect deeply with someone. It was something I could end at any given moment. Until the next guy to “date” came around. Then it started all over again, being casual. No commitment. Letting them come and go, just like in the songs and movies. Nothing so easy going can affect you, right?
Wrong! So wrong.
Now I don’t know if any of these guys watched porn or were addicted to it, but I could take a pretty good guess with most of them. And it showed with how they treated me, and eventually the way I was okay with being treated. And the media definitely affected how I treated them in return. It was like this unspoken truce. You cut out emotions and I will too.
It affected me outside of my dating life too. I was different in how I acted spiritually, physically, and mentally. I was a totally different person. I was taking the emotion out of connecting with people. Just like pornography can affect us. Turning humans into objects, bucket lists, or the next challenge.
Now I know my lifestyle isn’t something to look back on and smile about. But I also know I wasn’t nearly as trapped as others must feel with addictions. There are so many outcomes with our brains, hearts, and the world when it comes to pornography.
Here are just a few brief facts from Fight The New Drug. A website full of so much more about the harms of pornography:
- Pornography correlates with depression, anxiety, and poor self-image. It’s usually kept a secret from others, causing stress and disconnection with people and your partner.
- Pornography re-wires the brain in ways the brain normally wouldn’t be built. And reacts in the brain just like addictive drugs. It causes craving, just like the need to reach the next high.
- It alters the way you see such an intimate way to connect with someone. You expect something that is past reality.
- They have found many connections between pornography and sex trafficking and viewing can lead to violence.
- It makes it harder to connect and commit to a relationship and makes it easier to be critical of a partner.
Please, if you haven’t already go and read more about these things. The link is right there ready for you. Whether it’s the vicious cycle of a cyber lie or treating relationships lightly. And always know there are ways to fight as well. Fight The New Drug has an amazing program that has helped so many fight their addictions. Just educating alone has helped, and will continue to help.
And there is love.
I got pretty dang lucky finding Erich. As soon as I met him I knew I wanted to treat him differently and be treated differently. I mean the poor guy got rejected when he first tried to kiss me! Because I didn’t want to fall into the same cycle as before. He took it like a champ and respected that. Telling me he would wait until I’m ready. He was someone I saw myself loving very early on in our relationship. But I knew long before meeting Erich that there was an even more important kind of love.
Self-love. This love is SO hard to find sometimes. And I think you have to go searching for it just like love in a relationship. It takes time, work, and for me a plan! I had to set goals for myself. Baby step my way back into self-respect. I knew I would never be able to find someone to start a lifelong relationship with if I wasn’t making that for me, myself, and I! I would work out more, read books for enjoyment, be more cautious with media, limit my social life a little more, and find times to cultivate my spirituality. It wasn’t easy, and at times I was so annoyed with how hard it felt like I was making my own life. But it was worth every “bored night at home” because it only took a few months of working on loving myself before I got the chance to meet and love Erich.
I can’t promise that same and quick happy ending for everyone. But I can promise you will find a large difference in your life. Whether it’s turning away from pornography or any other form of addiction.
Porn Kills Love, and Love Kills Porn.
Two things I strongly believe in. Because I’ve seen it happen for myself, and others very close to me. Educate yourself, really look at the choices and actions you’re making, and change one little thing you feel a need to. I’m right here ready to help if you need it. Because I know that these are two things worth believing in.
the Confidently Speaking