I started out this letter as a mental pro’s and con’s list. But I quickly realized you don’t fit into the black and white, you are simply gray.
You have empowered me with so much. With every emotion on the scales, even the hard ones. With the knowledge that my body is capable of so much more than I could have imagined. Literally, this has been an experience that I could never imagine for myself no matter how many friends had gone through it or experiences I read about. No one could put into words the things we have gone through together. You have given me a new found strength I didn’t know I had in me.
Now you haven’t been bad to me, in fact I consider our time together a huge blessing. You treated me well despite every possibility that you wouldn’t. I am one of the lucky ones where you didn’t shower me with nausea for weeks on end, extreme discomforts, or scares. For this I am extremely grateful to you.
But you have also taken so much from me. You took my physical strength. And I honestly get so frustrated by that. Sure I wasn’t some perfect body to destroy, but I was a capable body. The moments where I can’t even pick something up I think of you with the biggest grudge. You have taken my patience, the little I had to begin with. You have taken away my confidence in the future and replaced it with fear. Fear that something will go wrong, that you won’t finish the job, that my body will fail me. A fear that I’m not ready for what you bring. That I’ll never be enough for the sweet spirits you have helped me carry.
Dear Pregnancy, you have brought me closer to my husband. You have helped me see how truly lucky I am to call this man mine. Blessed that I chose him to be the father of my children. That he will literally do anything for me and the family we have begun as husband and wife. You have opened my eyes to how hard he works and pushes himself to be better every. single. day. Again, I must thank you.
You’re also sort of the worst. I have never been so frustrated by clothes! Not only the lack of options to wear. But more so the lack of comfort. Sometimes everything feels like its only there to torture me. Now I can’t fully blame you for this one.
I also can’t blame you for the guilt. The guilt that comes and goes when thinking of all those amazing women who pray desperately to be where I am. To start their own family, but for so many reasons can’t. I am not one to chose who faces what in this life, but it feels pretty unfair. They shouldn’t have to feel pain, and I shouldn’t have to feel guilt for things out of our control. We can’t blame you pregnancy, but it sure feels good to.
The changes. So many changes you have brought. Stretched, sore, and tender skin. Something I’ve grown used to, but still wonder how I will cope with in the weeks to come. Swollen toes and fingers. I can no longer wear my wedding band and that breaks my heart. The bump that is ever growing. Holding the two greatest things my world knows.
Your task is to bring babies into this mortal world. I really can’t be angry about any of the negative things I’ve mentioned. You are bringing me one of the greatest blessings this life has to offer. You are bringing me motherhood. You are bringing challenges, growth, love, sweetness, laughter, memories, hardship and heartbreak. You are bringing me life. My sweet babes.
Dear Pregnancy, you are simply gray. Not just pro’s, or con’s. A confusing messy mix of it all. You are gray. And well, gray just happens to be my favorite.
The Confidently Speaking